Midweek Jokes

[fairdinkum]

As it's Hump Day ( middle of the week ) I thought I'd add some cheer to the day.

 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you

Believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.　

 

 

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a　

vacuum cleaner Talk about Dyson with death.　

 

 

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"　

 

 

 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the

biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg".　

 

 

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume　

she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.　

 

 

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my　

girlfriend yet.　

 

 

 

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at　

the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.　

 

 

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.　

 

 

 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.　

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....　

 

 

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I　

thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!　

 

 

 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to

Our local pet shop and they were $70!!! blow this, I thought, I can

get one cheaper off the web.　

 

 

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.　

 

 

 

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I　

could check her balance, so I pushed her over.　

 

 

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.　

 

 

 

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked . The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'　

 

 

 

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

　

[fairdinkum]

　

　

　

I dialed a number and got the following recording: 　

 

"I am not available　right now, but　

 

Thank you for caring 　enough to call. 　　

 

I am making some 　changes in my life. 　　

 

Please leave a 　message after the 　　

 

Beep. If I do not 　return your call, 　　

 

You are one of the 　changes."　

 

 

~~~~~　

 

Aspire to 　inspire before you expire.　

 

~~~~~ 　　　　

 

( I LOVE THIS 　ONE! )　

 

My wife and I had words, 　　　

 

But I didn't get to use mine. 　

 

~~~~~　

 

Frustration 　is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. 　

 

~~~~~ 　

 

The irony of life is that, 　by the time 　　

 

You're 　old enough to know your way 　around, 　

 

You're not going anywhere. 　

 

　

~~~~~　

 

 

 

~~~~~　

 

I was always taught to respect my elders, 　　　

 

But it keeps getting harder to find one. 　

 

 

~~~~~　

 

 

 

************ ********* ********* ********* **** 　

 

 

What's the difference between 　stress, tension and panic?　

 

Stress is when wife is pregnant, 　

 

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, 　

 

And Panic is when both are pregnant. 　

 

 

************ ********* ********* ********* * 　

 

 

Teacher: Do you know 　the importance of a period?　

 

 

Kid: Yeah, once my 　sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, 　　　

 

Dad got a heart attack & our driver 　ran away.　

 

 

************ ********* ********* 　********* ********* *********　

 

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference　between confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident 　about that.　

Your friend over there, is also my son, that's 　confidential."　

 

 

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********　　

　

　

　

　

　

No virus found in this message.

Checked by AVG -　www.avg.com

Version: 10.0.1392 / Virus Database: 1520/3834 - Release Date: 08/14/11

　

[fairdinkum]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

 

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

 

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

 

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

 

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

 

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

 

'I don't remember much after that'

　

　

　

[fairdinkum]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in

Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she

pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here

will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to

ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed

his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned

to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the

same hairy armpit, and

asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and

said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the

little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want

to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to

be a ballerina."

　

[fairdinkum]

　

Raisin Bread

 

　

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.　

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

　

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.　

 

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

 

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,　

"Is it raisin for you too?"

 

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.."