themadozjag

1. The wife was counting all the 5 cents and 10 cent's coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change." 2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist idiots. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! 3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies "Outside playing with Paki-Dave". 4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. 5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! 6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." 7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" Paddy - "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" 8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." 10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

Irish Fire Insurance A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London .. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was ￡2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Cork , they went to an insurance agency to seehow much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '¤39.00.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure because it cost him ￡2000.00 in England ! The agent turned his computer screen and back to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen. It says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is ¤39.00.*' I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

A nu n, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

SCANS AT AIRPORTS: CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results December 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA : Terrorists Discovered 0 Transvestites 133 Hernias 1,485 Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172 Enlarged Prostates 8,249 Breast Implants 59,350 Natural Blondes 3 Thought you'd like to know.

Aye great signing but has he got a Big Left Foot like Alex Forsyth?

A Kiwi walks into a bar in Sydney and sits down next to this big Aussie bloke and orders a beer. After a quick swig he notices a bowl of Chilli sitting on the bar between the both of them. "Help yourself" says the Aussie and the Kiwi gets stuck right into it. On reaching the bottom he notices a finger lying in it and the Aussie says " Yep that's what happened to me before I threw up"!

2 Irish priests Paddy & Mick having a shower when Mick says to the Paddy " Pass me the soap" I haven't got any says Paddy. So off to his room goes Mick to get some soap. On the way back along the corridor he sees 3 nuns approaching so quick as a flash he stands perfectly still in all his spleandor thinking that the nuns will think he's a statue. One of the nuns sees that Mick is holding a bar of soap in each hand so to end her curiosity she pulls down on his manhood and Mick drops one of the bars of soap. The second nun also a bit curious also has a go at pulling down on his manhood and sure enough the priest drops the bar of soap. The 3rd nun is a bit perplexed at this as she has missed out on a bar of soap but she has a go at pulling down on his manhood anyway and after tugging away for a minute or so she yells out " Holy Jesus and Mary & Joesph it's a miracle, Look Liquid Soap'!

I know it's a Thistle Forum but I just wondered if there are any other Jags Fans out there in Thistle Land that are fed up to the back teeth with Celtic's constant news that they are about to sign or have signed or want to sign these No Name players from all over the world. I saw the Highlights of their Euro game midweek and the players running around were unrecognisable to me.I don't envy the Celtic fans one little bit as they are welcome to all of these No Names. Can you imagine the Chat & Banter in the dressing room at half time and full time. Interperters Please!!! What ever happened to the Scottish Lads coming through their ranks, Their Celtic Boys Club used to be the envy of many senior clubs a few years back but apparently that's not the case now?