themadozjag

I've been away from this Forum for quite a while but have to say that Adam Barton is the best accomplished footballer I've seen since the days of Alan Hansen. He's so composed on the ball and has great vision. Could be a Thistle Great for sure.

The key. A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits." She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

Ma Baw!

The crowds are poor. The Aussie 'A' League attracts far more than us and some of their games are mediocre to say the least. I suppose it's down to the entry cost v the talent on the field.

It really Pisses me off when I see that the recent Netball game between Australia and New Zealand drew more than 17,000 fans. Wish we could get that much!

You'd have to be Drugged out of your Brain to support The Gold Coast Suns mate

Ideal for wearing here in Australia as it s in the same colours as The Indigenous Aboriginal Colours. Great to wear down the club.

He's probably done his best for the club so wish him all the best for his impending wedding and football future and move on.

Hey Williejag, away an bile yer heid ya numpty! Archie has done a good job considering his limited financial availability. Who is there that could come to the club and do any better? Other Clubs have been switching Managers Willy Nilly all through the season just passed and have they improved any? No I didn't think so! Leave Archie alone and back him for next season and pull your head in.

The daughter asks her dad, "Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't quite understand." "He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper." Her dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

Sad to hear of the passing of Dave MacKay. I actually had a drink with him way back in August 1987 in a Bar in Edinburgh. It was my last day at work for Matthew Hall and I took the lads in my squad to a pub at lunchtime for a farewell drink. Dave was standing in the corner reading his newspaper when I spotted him. He would've been 52 then. At first he wouldn't take a drink but when I told him that I was going to Australia in 2 weeks time he changed his mind and we had a couple of nips together and he wished me all the best. I actually have a copy of that famous Photo of him and Bremner.

I mentioned a wee while back in another thread that we were still the Unpredictables. My point being that we could hammer the Accies 5-0 the we can go and lose the next 5 games then we can go up to Tannadice and win 2-0. A great result for us but a Fixed Odds Coupon Buster. Just as well we did win as all teams below us also won. I'm just wondering if we'll ever lose that Tag?

The same thing happened to a friend of mine here in Sydney. Turned out that the Asian people upstairs were growing Rice in the room above and there were 11 people living in the 3 bed flat as well. He had a hard time getting Compo! but he did eventually.

A man living in Sydney walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was so insistent that the boy went to ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old ******* outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy........... "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

It's the same old story year after year and it has been for many years and I should know as I've been a Jags fan for 55 years now. The great unpredictable TAG will be with us for years to come as we don't ever seem to be able to lose it! Great example is the 5-0 drubbing we gave the Accies then we go out on a live T.V game at home only to lose to St Midden 1-0,then we lose at home again to Caley in the cup followed by the Celtic defeat at home and now a 1-0 defeat to Dundee. The Great Upredictables and Fixed Odds Busters! Sigh! will it ever end?

Don't know if any of you have noticed but that Big Eejit Adrian Madaschi got the pump at the Newcastle Jets yesterday along with 4 others after the flogging they got on the weekend from Adelaide Utd. 7-0 was the score. Only one win from 15 games played this season and Madaschi played at the back in all of them. I don't think he'll get a Gig with any of the other"A League" teams .He didn't impress me in the games that I watched on TV. Bye Bye Big Man!

Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been hap...pily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

Let's just get right intae them and make them look like the Accies of old!

First it was Alvin Stardust, then it was Jack Bruce and now it's Aker Bilk! Who's next I wonder? My Coo Cha Coo has gone with the Sunshine of My Love to the Stranger on the Shore! Al in the space of 2 weeks.

Bloody Beautee mate! Especially the Black One! I don't like our current strips al all.

I'm Mad and I live in OZ and I've been a Jags Fan! for 56 years!

Early St Paddy's Day Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.' Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?' An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest. The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?' The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!' Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.' 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.' Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly , it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

The Beasts 2 goals v Rangers at Firhill and one direct from a free kick.

Those of you old enough to remember would remember big Alfie Stamp all 6ft 7ins of him finishing off by bending down to nod the ball over the line!

Hi Shuggie, Alan Blues from Campbelltown in NSW Australia. My email address is: [email protected]. I was once known a the partick panther but now themdozjag regards Al