Rid Skwerr

Money for Nothing - Dire Straits

auntie

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy.." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .....so how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds". The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened"? "He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig from his Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

incontinent

Japanese Skokiaan - Spike Jones

I got wheel clamped parked outside the bank today. My boss went mental. He says I'm the worst getaway driver he's ever had. It's a lovely day here at Lord's. Pakistan have won the toss and decided to bet. I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

The Shadows Yipee-aye-eh ......

cheerio

These gags are making me grind my teeth.....

scabs

I want to do everything for you - Nazareth

ramblers

- The Faces

Viking Man -

outburst

also - "we need to maximise our income from all sources" perhaps this motto should be drilled into the person who's responsible for the questionably efficient fund-raising of the Centenary Fund..... Can anyone remind me who that might be again? Glass houses and stones spring to mind here.....

Wankel

I don't wanna hurt you anymore - Status Quo

RIP

I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out........... What kind of sick Kn*b would throw a wasp in a bin?

My mate works for the Police Negotiators........... He tried phoning in sick this morning but they talked him out of it.....

An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?' "Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

test

The Record has a somewhat more graphic description of the injuries - Oh-ya ** Not for the faint-hearted **

I wonder if their concerns centre on Ms McHaffie's (and other Trust functionaries') close ties to a former, albeit short-lived, PTFC director.