thomas

My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had so for a laugh i decided to shave his eyebrow's off and draw a c*ck on his forehead. My sister went f*cking mad when she looked in his pram .

oooooooooooooooooooooooo matron!

At least PwC arent in charge, anything they touch turns to closure.

My sister took being sent to jail really badly. She refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near her, and smeared the walls with her own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again!

I think its reopened as another music shop, i passed it back end of last year on a taxi on the way to pick up the sleeper

BE CAREFUL IF SHOPPING IN ASDA OR TESCO Be Careful out there Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Asda for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.... ... Here's how the scam works: ...Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to the town centre. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On December 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the afternoon. P.S. Sainsburys have cheap wallets on sale for £1.45 each but Asda wallets are £2.25 and look better

Knowing scotland, first sign of cold weather there will be a points failure, of if bob crow (tosser) gets wind of it hell ballot the RMT for strike action

Then theyre back in the shops either 26th or 27th moaning about lack of stock...heeeelooooooooooo factories do close too...dumbarses

Yeah, i was 20yrs before id had enough

I usually just ram the trolleys out the way, i dont give a crap anymore

I remember that from my 20yrs in retail....xmas u know whos coming, if u have a party at new year, then yeah, u dont know final figures

I went to a gamblers anonymous meeting last night. They sat me next to a fruit machine addict, it was a nightmare, the b@stard kept nudging me!

should celebrate her life, as when she dies theyll expect us muppets to pay for a state funeral

Just been stuck behind a tractor all the way to work....there was a nutter on the back shouting 'The World is gonna end!'.....it turns out it was Farmer Gedden

Maybe theyre all members of the RMT and been duped by bob the envelope!

Hes probably thinking dungdee ushited fans will be stupid enough to fill the ground out, so hes hoping that hell still get a good payment

Since gary glitter has been arrested police have searched his house and found class a drugs in his living room,class b drugs in his kitchen and class 5c in his bedroom!!

What about Provands Lordship across from the Necropolis

Poor result very depressing, but on a lighter note you could be a newhun and lose to Stirling Albion

This is a cat-astrophe

Trains from Queen St are half hourly to Edinburgh BUT trains to Cowdenbeath are 2hourly Leave Queen St 1100, change Haymarket, dep Haymarket 1159 arr 1241, same again 2hrs later, although u can take any train thru to edinburgh Coming back Leave Cowdenbeath 1726, change Edinburgh, Depart 1830, arrive Queen St 1922, again 2hrs later Prices are GLQ-COW = £19.50 (up to 2 kids go free per adult) Split Ticket are GLQ-EDB = £12.10 EDB-COW = £6.90 50p cheaper than a thru ticket again kids go free on both these tickets Just ask on the train for the split tickets...also between Queen St and Edinburgh via falkirk high, bathgate, and shotts, and dunblane to edinburgh (and all intermediate stops) you get groupsave tickets 33% off groups of 3, 4, or 5.

Myself and one of my workmates are having a field day on FB, 25yrs of being abused, that lot cant take it FTOF (can we still say that?) http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8148/7600289272_6aa85cc28a_b.jpg

But the referee was biased against the small team, and i bet hes 'wan o them lot'

Idiot shouldnt have called the h*ns to start with, theyre newHuns

We finished 11th a final surge. Not played this in years