The Jokes Thread

[kni]

I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.

I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"

He said, "Have you got a pen?"

I said, "Shit, no. Hang on".

With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.

He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"

I said, "Well that's how you do it"

[kni]

Isn't it ironic that fish are now eating raw Japanese?

Japan has now announced its new national dish - Fission Chips.

Edited April 15, 2011 by kni

[thornwoodjag]

I was in Tesco and i see this busty blonde staring at me.I couldn't believe it-she was full on staring and then she started waving at me.So i thought fcuk it "excuse me " i ask "do i know you?""I think your the father of one of my children"she says.i broke it into a cold sweat and racked my brain until i eventually remembered one act of infidelity.

Fcuking hell-are you the bird on me on my stag do while one of your mates whipped me,and another one of your mates stuck a brush up my ass?"

"No" she says."I'm your son's English teacher"

[Blackpool Jags]

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"

 

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

 

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

 

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

 

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

 

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

 

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

 

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

 

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

 

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

 

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

[thornwoodjag]

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast The Flintstones.

A spokesman for the channel said "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,but we know for a

fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do"

[thornwoodjag]

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking very worried.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"I've got the big C,"he said.

"What Cancer"

"No, dyslexia."

[Jaggernaut]

A smiley groan to the two posts above.

[kni]

A new Osama Bin Laden cocktail has been launched - two shots and a splash of water.

 

Osama Bin Laden's DNA results have been reported. Traces of cocoa, coconut, sugar and milk have been found. Experts believe this is probably due to the large bounty on his head.

[Rid Skwerr]

A Roman centurion gets back to his homeland and boasts to his comrades;

"While I was in France, I killed 50,000 barbarians!"

One of his fellow soldiers pipes up; "You only killed 25,000, I counted the bodies myself!"

The centurion thinks for a bit before replying;

"Ah, but you see -

.

.

.

.

.

 

away Gauls count double in Europe."

[thornwoodjag]

A young man goes into the chemists to buy some condoms.the pharmacist says they come in packs of 3,9 or 12 and asks which ones he would like.

"Well" he said,I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot.i want the condoms because i think tonights the night.we are having dinner at her parents and then we are going out.and i've got a feeling I'm going to get lucky after that.once she has had me,she will want me all the time,so you better give me the 12 pack.

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening,he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree.He begins the prayer,but continues praying for several minutes.the girl leans over too him and says "you never told me you were such a religious person"

The boy leans over too her and whispers "you never told me that your father was a pharmacist"

[Rid Skwerr]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No NO you really do have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that?

It's like camping.

[Rid Skwerr]

Microsoft has bid $5 Billion for Skype...

 

Obviously nobody told them they can download it for free from the website..

[kni]

What do you call a prostitute in a wheel chair?

 

Park and ride.

[kni]

Pippa Middleton's ***** is like a JK Rowling book. You know Harry's going to be in it.

[kni]

Harry bumps into William at the reception.

"Brilliant do, bruv. Have you seen Dad?"

"He wasn't invited, mate," replies Wills, "but mine's dancing with Camilla."

[kni]

I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me.

I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.

She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.

I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose and tongue between her parted thighs.

As I got closer and could hear the panting get louder, I thought to myself, "I really wish her guide dog would **** off!"

[kni]

There is nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your penis...

 

Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

[Jaggernaut]

What did the leper say to the prostitute after they'd finished and he'd paid her?

 

"Keep the tip."

[JobbyMahoney]

Not sure why this prehistoric one popped into my head, but anyway

 

What do wellies and George Michael have in common?

 

They both get sucked off in bogs.

[KAWB]

What do Ryan Giggs and Andrew Marr have in common?

 

Due to the Human Rights Act (1998), this punchline has been removed by order of Mr Justice Eady.

[Paddy Thistle]

Whats the difference between the Queen and the vast majority of Celtic Fans

 

 

The Queen has actualy been to Ireland

[Jaggyman]

Man Utd have announced their team to face Barcelona

 

Van Der Sarr

Rafael

Evra

Ferdinand

Vidic

Fletcher

Carrick

Scholes

Rooney

Hernandez

Unamed Premeiership Player

[Blackpool Jags]

A husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

 

Wife: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

 

Husband: 'Definitely not!'

 

Wife: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

 

Husband: 'Of course I do.'

 

Wife: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

 

Husband: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

 

Wife: ' You would? (with a hurt look)

 

Husband: Groans

 

Wife: 'Would you live in our house?'

 

Husband: 'Sure. It's a great house.'

 

Wife: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

 

Husband: 'Where else would we sleep?'

 

Wife: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

 

Husband: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

 

Wife: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

 

Husband: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

 

Wife: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

 

Husband: 'No.. I'm sure she'd want her own.'

 

Wife: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

 

Husband: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

 

Wife: 'Would she use my clubs?'

 

Husband: 'No. She's left-handed.'

 

 

Wife: - silence -

 

Husband: ' . . . Shit.'

[kni]

Ryan Giggs and his brother walk into a bar.

Ryan says to the barman "I'll have whatever he's having..."

[kni]

A couple auditioned for Britain's Got Talent last month.

Simon - "What is your act?"

Husband - "Magic!"

Simon - "What are you both going to do?"

Wife - "We are going to make a child disappear into thin air."

Simon - "Have you ever done this before?"

Husband - "Yes, once."

Simon - "Okay, Gerry & Kate, good luck."