crazy davie Posted October 6, 2011 Report Share Posted October 6, 2011 I was making myself some breakfast just the other day. Nothing special - just some toast. I happened to glance out the kitchen window only to see 6 thugs usimg swrods, hammers, and baseball bats, beating the sh1t out of a bloke in a Rangers jersey. I was absolutely rooted to the spot trying to take in what was happening before my very eyes, and it was only after a full minute or so that the full horror of what was happening dawned on me... My toast was getting burnt!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norman Posted October 7, 2011 Report Share Posted October 7, 2011 My wife has just bought a new lunch box. It's made by the United Nations. Apparently, they're the ultimate piece keepers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 Paul Mccartney is already upset with his new mrs. Apparently, she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter password that he wants to use when logging on. The husband, thinking he’ll be oh-so-manly, types in the following letters when prompted for his desired password by the computer. p – e – n – i – s His wife rolls her eyes and then nearly falls off her chair howling with laughter when the computer replies: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eighthoursbehind Posted October 15, 2011 Report Share Posted October 15, 2011 A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter password that he wants to use when logging on. The husband, thinking he’ll be oh-so-manly, types in the following letters when prompted for his desired password by the computer. p – e – n – i – s His wife rolls her eyes and then nearly falls off her chair howling with laughter when the computer replies: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH. When told it had to be 8 characters he chose "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted October 16, 2011 Report Share Posted October 16, 2011 An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yes, none of us could get the jar open. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted October 18, 2011 Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly; Lulu’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?” Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. “Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman, going down the line, was asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?” “I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.” ……….The policeman fainted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted October 18, 2011 Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 Whenever I get into an argument with a dwarf, I'm always the first to apologise, I like to think that I'm the bigger man. I've just got home from my positive thinking class. It was shit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norman Posted October 19, 2011 Report Share Posted October 19, 2011 I had an annoying experience yesterday. This dog came up and started sniffing at me. I tried to shoo him off, but he persisted and eventually had his nose right in my groin. Eventually I got so hacked off that I gave him a little kick... The customs officials were'nt happy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to her place and got comfortable After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willy in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem H*n". Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willy in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Willjag Posted October 20, 2011 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 As Westlife announce their split, Louis Walsh claims his heart's all over the place. But thankfully his penis is still going in One Direction Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to her place and got comfortable After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willy in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem H*n". Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willy in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet!" That's outrageous! Nobody would want to sh*g Cilla Black. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted October 21, 2011 Report Share Posted October 21, 2011 Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to her place and got comfortable After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willy in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem H*n". Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willy in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 A skeleton walks into a bar. "I'll have a pint, please. Oh, and a mop." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 A skeleton walks into a bar. "I'll have a pint, please. Oh, and a mop." Thats bad!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eighthoursbehind Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 Thats bad!! It would have been worse if he had ordered a pie and a pint. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 It would have been worse if he had ordered a pie and a pint. or a curry!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 or a curry!! Now that's funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 A skeleton walks into a bar. "I'll have a pint, please. Oh, and a mop." Nobody in their right mind would post a joke this bad!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 A skeleton walks into a bar. "I'll have a pint, please. Oh, and a mop." Edited to add: Visual aid supplied: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_pR0PXDQ8NcM/SpDI6eRFTkI/AAAAAAAAALo/7cWsxD_8E6U/s320/BeerMop.jpg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 Edited to add: Visual aid supplied: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_pR0PXDQ8NcM/SpDI6eRFTkI/AAAAAAAAALo/7cWsxD_8E6U/s320/BeerMop.jpg Kl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redmike Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi. You could say the same about an American. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted October 25, 2011 Report Share Posted October 25, 2011 You could say the same about an American. Not really Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted October 25, 2011 Report Share Posted October 25, 2011 Little boy says to his dad...." why do women get married in white"? dad says.... " all domestic appliances come in white son" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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