Jagsfan58 Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid £6,000 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid £3,000 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted October 30, 2011 Report Share Posted October 30, 2011 A recent survey has revealed that one in three women is as ******' stupid as the other two. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted October 30, 2011 Report Share Posted October 30, 2011 A lonely guy in a bookshop spots "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it at "Chapter 1 The First Date." He glances at it for a few minutes, then rushes home to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while. She answers, "Hello?" He says, "Hi, Jessica? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to go see a movie with me tonight?" She says, "Sure, why not." He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decides to take it one step further. He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?" She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!" "Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted October 30, 2011 Report Share Posted October 30, 2011 A US Cavalry soldier and his Indian scout are out hunting for buffalo to feed the troops. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. Perplexed, he says to the Indian, "I see nothing, how do you know buffalo come?" The Indian replies, "Ear sticky". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted October 30, 2011 Report Share Posted October 30, 2011 What's brown, six inches long in its normal state and won't be getting sucked tonight? Jimmy Saville's cigar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted October 30, 2011 Report Share Posted October 30, 2011 A friend of mine has just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted November 3, 2011 Report Share Posted November 3, 2011 St Peter to God "Hey boss, one of the hinges on the pearly gates has broken off" "Don't worry" says God "Jim'll fix it!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted November 3, 2011 Report Share Posted November 3, 2011 St Peter to God "Hey boss, one of the hinges on the pearly gates has broken off" "Don't worry" says God "Jim'll fix it!" The second-worst joke ever to appear on the forum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted November 4, 2011 Report Share Posted November 4, 2011 The second-worst joke ever to appear on the forum. I was going to ask which one of your jokes was the worst, but then i realised, you had posted many more than two which would take such an accolade, making your proclamation incorrect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted November 4, 2011 Report Share Posted November 4, 2011 I was going to ask which one of your jokes was the worst, but then i realised, you had posted many more than two which would take such an accolade, making your proclamation incorrect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eighthoursbehind Posted November 14, 2011 Report Share Posted November 14, 2011 If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewanstu Posted November 19, 2011 Report Share Posted November 19, 2011 My girlfriend is leaving me because she's tired of my over-active imagination. Joke's on her, she doesn't even exist. My friend claims he gets 10 times the girls I get. Joke's on him, 10 times 0 is 0. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted November 19, 2011 Report Share Posted November 19, 2011 Culter 1 Partick Thistle 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Amy Winehouse told God that she did not ask for Gary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norman Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Ouch! That's a bit too soon and a bit sick. Funny, but sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thistle4tw Posted December 4, 2011 Report Share Posted December 4, 2011 I just found out I'm going to be a father .......I passed my priest exam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redmike Posted December 6, 2011 Report Share Posted December 6, 2011 Good news for Insomniacs. Two more sleeps till christmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornwoodjag Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 What have Man Utd,Man City and Big Brother all got in common??? They will all be on channel 5 in 2012. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aberdeens jag Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) Why did the semen cross the road? Because I had not had a w*nk for 2 weeks Edited December 8, 2011 by aberdeens jag Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thistle4tw Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 What's Bruce lees favourite drink. WWWWAAAAAATTAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aberdeens jag Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) Scottish Hurricane Appeal - Please give generously! Hurricane b*wbag hit central Scotland in the early hours of this morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?" The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck. Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Sighthill , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today. Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Central Scotland . One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all. Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said "The noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat it wiz the young team coming oot of The Turf Bar, but it wiz even worser. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of Cheese Toasties to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers. Residents in neighbouring Fife offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the people of Central Scotland decided they were better off where they were.. A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a pure Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed". Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes. The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies , Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado , glue or hairspray. Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. *Breaking News* Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble. Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco- pop. When asked where she was bleeding from she replied " Old Caley Road , whit's it got to dae wi' you ya fudd Edited December 8, 2011 by aberdeens jag Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 Reports are coming in of a wig being blown down Buchanan Street. A Police spokesman warned the public not to approach it saying that "its aff it's heid" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted December 10, 2011 Report Share Posted December 10, 2011 (edited) Good news for Insomniacs. Two more sleeps till christmas. ...but bad news for narcoleptics. 87 more sleeps till Xmas. Edited December 10, 2011 by Blackpool Jags Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted December 31, 2011 Report Share Posted December 31, 2011 A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger. "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f*cking widow." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted January 1, 2012 Report Share Posted January 1, 2012 Lifted straight from a (Tim) mate's Facebook page thing... What's the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug? Nothing, Their (sic) both absolutely useless in Europe. Who said they're two cheeks of the same spotty arse? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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