crazy davie Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Dear Dierdie The other day I happened to notice my next door neighbour's young daughter over the garden fence, sunbathing topless. Naturally I decided to knock one out, and next thing you know, there's my wife standing right behind me, with her arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert ? Regards David Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted August 8, 2011 Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 Dear Dierdie The other day I happened to notice my next door neighbour's young daughter over the garden fence, sunbathing topless. Naturally I decided to knock one out, and next thing you know, there's my wife standing right behind me, with her arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert ? Regards David Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornwoodjag Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 I have just returned from my holiday and switched on sky news. Who the fcuk were rangers playing in London! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaggybunnet Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 TOTTENHAM have just signed a new black italian striker GRABATELLI Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 The riots in Tottenham started after Harry Redknapp declared his interest in Emile Heskey. The riots in Birmingham started after Redknapp changed his mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) TOTTENHAM have just signed a new black italian striker GRABATELLI They have also signed a local lad - Robin Banks. Edited August 9, 2011 by kni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 TOTTENHAM have just signed a new black italian striker GRABATELLI They have also signed a local lad - Robin Banks. And a Turk, Mustafa Plasma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 TOTTENHAM have just signed a new black italian striker GRABATELLI ...who had earlier been linked with Luton. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 And a Turk, Mustafa Plasma. ...and a couple of gay Irish lads, Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald (not really a riot joke but funny all the same ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norman Posted August 11, 2011 Report Share Posted August 11, 2011 Last night I came second in a Fidel Castro look-alike competition. Close, but no cigar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 And a Turk, Mustafa Plasma. Reminds of an infamous letter - http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/10/we-all-feel-like-that-now-and-then.html H.M. EMBASSY MOSCOW Lord Pembroke The Foreign Office London 6th April 1943 My Dear Reggie, In these dark days man tends to look for little shafts of light that spill from Heaven. My days are probably darker than yours, and I need, my God I do, all the light I can get. But I am a decent fellow, and I do not want to be mean and selfish about what little brightness is shed upon me from time to time. So I propose to share with you a tiny flash that has illuminated my sombre life and tell you that God has given me a new Turkish colleague whose card tells me that he is called Mustapha Kunt. We all feel like that, Reggie, now and then, especially when Spring is upon us, but few of us would care to put it on our cards. It takes a Turk to do that. (Signed) Sir Archibald Clerk Kerr, H.M. Ambassador. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Q - Why do gay football teams give their opponents at least a one goal start? A - They like to come from behind! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven H Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 The Rioters Prayer: Our father,who art in prison, Mum knos not his name! Thy Riots ***,read it in the sun in Birmingham as it is in London! Give us this day our welfare bread and forgive us for lootin, as we'r happy to loot those who defend stuff against us! Lead us NOT into employment but deliver us FREE HOUSING, For thine is the tele's the burberry an the bacardi! Forever an ever .. Innit !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Man says to his “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.” Doctor looks at him and says “Sorry, I don’t follow you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 The barn owl told the tawny owl that he had just got engaged. The tawny exclaimed "You twit! To who?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 (edited) A gypsy turned up on my neighbour's doorstep this morning. He said 'Do you want your drive retarred?' My neighbour said said 'No thanks.' So the gypsy dug up his drive and took it away. Edited August 17, 2011 by kni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Man in pub - "My wife is paralysed below the waist." Friend - "When did that happen?" Man - "On our wedding night!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 What do polar bears have for lunch? Rare Brit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 You're a good bunch so I thought I might share this bit of news with you - I'm getting through it, touch wood. My wife left me last night – said she couldn’t cope with my OCD. I told her to close the door five times behind her on the way out, and then to come back three times to check that the oven is off. And apparently she doesn’t like my habit of storing everything up for future arguments. I wrote that one down and filed it under ‘I’ for insult. Once I’d realised what was happening I shouted "Please come back. You've forgotten the kids". It started last week when she was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table, and she suddenly got angry and started shouting and crying for no reason! I thought to myself.... "She's going through the change". And then she said she thought it was weird how much I love touching pasta.....I'm feeling cannelloni right now. I’m as bad. I'm having difficulty spelling the word "apocalypse". I'm OK with it though; I mean it's not the end of the world. I want to build my own spaceship, but am daunted by the technical complexity of the task. I won’t be to be put off by it, after all, it's not rocket science. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted August 19, 2011 Report Share Posted August 19, 2011 You're a good bunch so I thought I might share this bit of news with you - I'm getting through it, touch wood. My wife left me last night – said she couldn’t cope with my OCD. I told her to close the door five times behind her on the way out, and then to come back three times to check that the oven is off. And apparently she doesn’t like my habit of storing everything up for future arguments. I wrote that one down and filed it under ‘I’ for insult. Once I’d realised what was happening I shouted "Please come back. You've forgotten the kids". It started last week when she was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table, and she suddenly got angry and started shouting and crying for no reason! I thought to myself.... "She's going through the change". And then she said she thought it was weird how much I love touching pasta.....I'm feeling cannelloni right now. I’m as bad. I'm having difficulty spelling the word "apocalypse". I'm OK with it though; I mean it's not the end of the world. I want to build my own spaceship, but am daunted by the technical complexity of the task. I won’t be to be put off by it, after all, it's not rocket science. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 it seems the Tottenham riots have finally spread to Scotland. The looters headed to Tynecastle and took the only thing worth taking................the piss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jago1953 Posted August 22, 2011 Report Share Posted August 22, 2011 Just heard the team from the east end are now known as Glasgow Celtic nil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 I've got something to tell you, but it's very hard for me to say. Ken Dodd's dad's dog's died. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 I've got something to tell you, but it's very hard for me to say. Ken Dodd's dad's dog's died. Diddy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 Not jokes as such, but good stuff from the Viz archive: JERRY HALL says that to keep your husband keen, you must be a 'maid in the parlour, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom." I recently decided to follow her advice. I kept the house very clean, I prepared delicious meals every night, and I allowed dozens of fat businessmen to have sex with me for money in the marital bed. Surprisingly, my husband left me. Did I follow her advice correctly? Pauline Riley, e-mail I WAS AMAZED to read how much money was spent on make up for the film Planet of the Apes. Surely they could have replaced Helena Bonham-Carter with that woman who plays Gail in Coronation Street and saved a fortune. Andrew Dunn, e-mail DAVINA McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore. M. Duckworth, Poole I SAW THE inside of a wheelchair-bound driver's car the other day and was astounded by the modifications that had been made to allow them to drive safely on the road. What if the same amount of time and trouble had been spent designing a vehicle specially made for a drunk driver? I'm sure the market for this sort of car would be huge. So come on, car manufacturers, get your thinking caps on and make our roads safer. Edd Hillman, e-mail Em, that'll do for now. http://viz.co.uk/letterbocks.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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