jaggybunnet Posted August 26, 2011 Report Share Posted August 26, 2011 Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest. The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money. The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it." The second replies, "One of my choirboys is an epileptic." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted August 27, 2011 Report Share Posted August 27, 2011 Its Murphy's Wedding Day and Paddy gets up to do the best mans speech. "I will keep this short and sweet as i don't want to feck it up by saying something wrong, I hope you both enjoy your honeymoon in Wales" Murphy replied "we're not going to Wales" Paddy replies "feck me Murph Im Sorry i thought you said you were going to Bangor for 2 weeks" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven H Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 Wife walks into bedroom and says "tonite i'm gonna make u the happiest man alive". I reply "don't fcuk about, who's gonna help u pack at this time of night"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven H Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 Bill and Ben are in the bath, Bill says "floberloberdobber", Ben says "if that smells I am getting out". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 Bill and Ben are in the bath, Bill says "floberloberdobber", Ben says "if that smells I am getting out". I heard one similar to this years back, but the punch line was "if you loved me you'd swallow it" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven H Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 I heard one similar to this years back, but the punch line was "if you loved me you'd swallow it" that's a better, if less childish, punchline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven H Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 (edited) After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing a kilt! "Whats the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh she'll be in a white dress" he replied. It was no surprise that Paddy Doherty won Celebrity Big Brother...it's fcukin impossible to evict Gypsies Edited September 21, 2011 by Steven H Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven H Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 Lady in labour says to boyfriend, "You did this to me". He casually replies, "If u remember, I wanted to stick it up ur arse, but u said, 'fcuk off, it'll hurt.'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 my mates tell me that i'm shit at telling jokes. i always punch up the fu ck line Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 my wife (Princess Leia) and i walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "did you smell that food, it smelled incredible!?" she said. being the nice guy that i am, i thought "fu ck it, i'll treat her!!" so, we walked past it again !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 medical fact: if a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke. if you let her finish the bottle , she'll probably suck it as well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted September 25, 2011 Report Share Posted September 25, 2011 A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama. ------ Moral: Never lie to your Mama! LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted September 25, 2011 Report Share Posted September 25, 2011 Why did the baker have brown hands?? He kneaded a poo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homerjag Posted September 25, 2011 Report Share Posted September 25, 2011 Why was Lt. Uhuru coloured Because William Shatner Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted September 28, 2011 Report Share Posted September 28, 2011 Are you insured for sex? Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having, please find the list companies below catering for most tastes : - Sex with your wife = Legal & General Sex on the Phone = Direct Line Sex with your Partner = Standard Life Sex with someone different = Go Compare Sex with a Rather Large Lady = More Than Sex on the Back seat of your Car = Sheila's Wheels Sex with a Posh Lady = Privileged Sex with a Transvestite = Confused .com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted September 28, 2011 Report Share Posted September 28, 2011 Are you insured for sex? Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having, please find the list companies below catering for most tastes : - Sex with your wife = Legal & General Sex on the Phone = Direct Line Sex with your Partner = Standard Life Sex with someone different = Go Compare Sex with a Rather Large Lady = More Than Sex on the Back seat of your Car = Sheila's Wheels Sex with a Posh Lady = Privileged Sex with a Transvestite = Confused .com How about humping the neighbour's wife after her husband croaks = Scottish Widows Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted September 28, 2011 Report Share Posted September 28, 2011 How about humping the neighbour's wife after her husband croaks = Scottish Widows ... or pumping a scouse nurse = Liverpool Victoria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven H Posted September 30, 2011 Report Share Posted September 30, 2011 Paddy's wife comes home to find he had nailed all her sex toys to the wall and says "For feck sake Paddy, you really are a thick chunt. I said I wanted a DADO rail!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted September 30, 2011 Report Share Posted September 30, 2011 Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman in the bar all with long faces. Scotsman breaks the ice: "I'm so pissed off - my wife's having an affair with a plumber. Only the other day I came home from work and there was a spanner and an elbow bend under the bed". The Englishman says: " I know what you're going through - my wife's having an affair with a joiner. Only the other day I came home from work and I found a chisel and a hammer under the bed. They must've fallen out his overalls when him and her were at it in my bed". Paddy pipes up: "You two can count count yourselves lucky - my wife's having an affair with a horse!" The other two look at Paddy in shock and ask "how can you be sure about that? She wouldn't, would she?" Paddy replies: Only the other day I came home from work and found a jockey under the bed". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted October 1, 2011 Report Share Posted October 1, 2011 Whats the difference between a fridge and f anny??? A fridge doesn't flap when you take the meat oot! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 Husband and wife at tesco,he puts a box of stella in the trolley. "wot do u think ur doing?" asks the wife, "its on offer, £10 for 24 cans" "put them back we cant afford them says the wife"a few aisles on the wife picks up a jar of face cream at £20 and puts it in the trolley. " wot u doing?" asks the husband, "it makes me look beautiful" says the wife. " so does the the 24 stella and at half the ******* price!" says hubby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 Whats the difference between a fridge and f anny??? A fridge doesn't flap when you take the meat oot! Door? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 I was half way through banging this truly stunning looking woman last night when I asked her to go on top. She said "I take it this is your first rape!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted October 6, 2011 Report Share Posted October 6, 2011 I was in my living room this morning waiting on my wife to make my breakfast, when i heard an almighty thud...i ran in and found her lying dead on the floor, i was devasted, i dropped to my knees crying hysterically....then i remembered wetherspoons do an all day breakfast for £3.59 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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