thomas Posted November 6, 2012 Report Share Posted November 6, 2012 Since gary glitter has been arrested police have searched his house and found class a drugs in his living room,class b drugs in his kitchen and class 5c in his bedroom!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SookeJag Posted November 7, 2012 Report Share Posted November 7, 2012 During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees." Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Leitch Loyal Posted November 7, 2012 Report Share Posted November 7, 2012 Another sex-scandal has hit the BBC: Morph has been outed as a playdoughphile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted November 7, 2012 Report Share Posted November 7, 2012 After many years of being stigmatized and disadvantaged because of dyslexia, I've written a book on how I finally overcame my lemborp. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted November 7, 2012 Report Share Posted November 7, 2012 After many years of being stigmatized and disadvantaged because of dyslexia, I've written a book on how I finally overcame my lemborp. ..... and I wrote one on how I managed to cope with my underdeveloped spine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggyman Posted November 8, 2012 Report Share Posted November 8, 2012 A Middle eastern tycoon has said he will buy Hearts. Yousuff Bin Hadd will arrive tomorrow to finalize details Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozjag Posted December 1, 2012 Report Share Posted December 1, 2012 ..... and I wrote one on how I managed to cope with my underdeveloped spine. Classic graffiti once seen in Sydney - "DYSLEXICS UNTIE!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinsplustwo Posted December 4, 2012 Report Share Posted December 4, 2012 the difference a policemans baton and a magicians wand easy one of thems used for cunning stunts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted December 4, 2012 Report Share Posted December 4, 2012 Kate Middleton admitted to hospital with acute morning sickness. A Palace spokesman has said "It is very unfortunate,but our main priority at this point is concentrating on our next game and a return to the Premiership." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted December 17, 2012 Report Share Posted December 17, 2012 Almost choked on my breakfast cereal this morning: http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/weird-news/parents-reveal-fury-at-weetos-breakfast-1493701 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Willjag Posted December 17, 2012 Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2012 Almost choked on my breakfast cereal this morning: http://www.dailyreco...eakfast-1493701 Brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe the driver Posted December 18, 2012 Report Share Posted December 18, 2012 Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.Mick says, "How you doin?" "Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing." Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed... He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "Get away wit ya.... prove it."Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of effin one?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted December 19, 2012 Report Share Posted December 19, 2012 Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.Mick says, "How you doin?" "Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing." Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed... He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "Get away wit ya.... prove it."Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of effin one?" Those Irish, eh? What are they no like ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted December 21, 2012 Report Share Posted December 21, 2012 Just been stuck behind a tractor all the way to work....there was a nutter on the back shouting 'The World is gonna end!'.....it turns out it was Farmer Gedden Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted December 22, 2012 Report Share Posted December 22, 2012 I went to a gamblers anonymous meeting last night. They sat me next to a fruit machine addict, it was a nightmare, the b@stard kept nudging me! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Col Posted December 22, 2012 Report Share Posted December 22, 2012 (edited) I went to the hospital last week for my annual medical and I was shocked to be told by the nurse that I had to stop masturbating. "Why?" I asked. "Because I'm trying to do your annual medical" she said. Edited December 22, 2012 by Big Col Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornwoodjag Posted December 22, 2012 Report Share Posted December 22, 2012 I am so glad that Mrs Thatcher got through her operation OK. Trying to let off fireworks in this weather is a ******* nightmare Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted December 24, 2012 Report Share Posted December 24, 2012 Just recieved my 17th Christmas card from the Alzheimers Society. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 BE CAREFUL IF SHOPPING IN ASDA OR TESCO Be Careful out there Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Asda for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.... ... Here's how the scam works: ...Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to the town centre. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On December 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the afternoon. P.S. Sainsburys have cheap wallets on sale for £1.45 each but Asda wallets are £2.25 and look better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SookeJag Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 PAIN EXPLAINED FROM A MAN'S POINT OF VIEW Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts". I rest my case Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggyman Posted January 1, 2013 Report Share Posted January 1, 2013 I'd like to wish everyone happy new year apart from the Rangers supporters who are adamant that its not a new year but merely a continuation of the old one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted January 9, 2013 Report Share Posted January 9, 2013 My sister took being sent to jail really badly. She refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near her, and smeared the walls with her own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted January 10, 2013 Report Share Posted January 10, 2013 My sister took being sent to jail really badly. She refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near her, and smeared the walls with her own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again! Why do people sometimes specify that some prisoners smear the wall with their own faeces? They're hardly going to do it with somebody else's, as that would just be disgusting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted January 10, 2013 Report Share Posted January 10, 2013 There hasn't been a new conspiracy theory for ages, I think the government is blocking them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 Went to the fridge to check my burgers, aaaaannndddd they're off!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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