The Jokes Thread

[kni]

Someone has explained rhyming slang to the new Pope aka Frank.

[Blackpool Jags]

White smoke from the Vatican - that can only mean one thing:

 

They've finally finished burning all the laptops and hard drives.

[Jaggernaut]

From Milton Jones on Dave last night:

 

 

My favourite film is a great French movie called "AND".

 

 

 

 

It was released here as "ET".

[kni]

The father of Gary and Phil Neville is called Neville - Neville Neville!

 

He was arrested today for indecent assault.

[Willjag]

Don't get it?

[kni]

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, “What’s a four letter word, ending in U – N – T that means’ woman’?” The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn’t even bother to look up. “Aunt, your Holiness.” The Pope didn’t speak for a second. “Oh.” He paused. “Do you have an eraser?”

Edited March 28, 2013 by kni

[Blackpool Jags]

I was watching the Chuckle Brothers playing tennis earlier. It became quite annoying very quickly.

[Blackpool Jags]

Just won a fantastic prize in a Doctor Who competition.

 

Two tickets for the 1971 Scottish League Cup Final.

[1876Jag]

My son was baptised Times New Roman.

 

I think the vicar used the wrong font.

Edited April 8, 2013 by 1876Jag

[1876Jag]

.

Edited April 8, 2013 by 1876Jag

[Rid Skwerr]

My son was baptised Times New Roman.

 

I think the vicar used the wrong font.

 

Good one

[Chicofan]

I hear that Rolf Harris has been caught playing his digeridoo in A-minor

[kni]

Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack.

 

The undertakers tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."

 

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.

 

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?"

 

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. "We simply can't take that risk".

Edited April 26, 2013 by kni

[kni]

The most dangerous letter to the BBC started

 

"Dear Jim

 

Can you fix it for me to appear on "It's A Knockout"?

Edited May 15, 2013 by kni

[hamiltonjag]

Japanese couple having an argument..

 

Husband says "Sukitaki!"

 

Wife replies "Kowanini!"

 

Husband says "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

 

Wife on her knees begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

 

Husband replies angrily "Kina tim kouji!"

 

And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.

 

Ya daft bstard.

[Jaggernaut]

Japanese couple having an argument..

 

Husband says "Sukitaki!"

 

Wife replies "Kowanini!"

 

Husband says "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

 

Wife on her knees begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

 

Husband replies angrily "Kina tim kouji!"

 

And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.

 

Ya daft bstard.

 

 

It's no' even Japanese!

[Jaggernaut]

Police in Paisley last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of

 

200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 15 kilos of

heroin, 5 million in forged euro banknotes and 25 trafficked

east-European prostitutes - all in a semi-detached house behind the

Public Library.

 

Local residents were stunned, as a community spokesman said: "We're all

shocked; we never knew we had a library."

[Blackpool Jags]

An Irishman goes for a job as a Blacksmith. Man asks him "Have you got any experience shoeing horses?" "No", says the Irishman, "but I once told a donkey to feck off."

[jaggybunnet]

A guy bursts into a busy bar brandishing a gun screaming " Who the ****s been screwing my wife?"

 

A voice from the back shouts back "You aint brought enough ammo"

[JeredStirlingsrightfoot]

I bought a second hand Skoda recently, I thought I'd got a good deal but there were some issues with it and I realised I'd been ripped off. That's the problem with second had car dealers, they will do anything to Felicia.

[crazy davie]

A guy bursts into a busy bar brandishing a gun screaming " Who the ****s been screwing my wife?"

 

A voice from the back shouts back "You aint brought enough ammo"

In what sense is that a joke ?

[Norman]

In what sense is that a joke ?

I would imagine that it is the intention of the fellow with the gun to shoot whoever had been having carnal knowledge of his wife.

The implication is that so many of the clients of the bar had had their way with her, that the supply of bullets available would be insufficient to shoot each one of them.

 

In short, his wife is a serial adulteress.

 

Jokes are never as funny when you have to explain them!

[Norman]

I would never allow a warped mirror in my house.

I think it would reflect badly on me!

[crazy davie]

I would imagine that it is the intention of the fellow with the gun to shoot whoever had been having carnal knowledge of his wife.

The implication is that so many of the clients of the bar had had their way with her, that the supply of bullets available would be insufficient to shoot each one of them.

 

In short, his wife is a serial adulteress.

 

Jokes are never as funny when you have to explain them!

Thanks for that, but it wasn't that I didn't get, it was more the absence of any joke qualities, in that there wasn't any joke-ness, that prompted my question...

[Norman]

Thanks for that, but it wasn't that I didn't get, it was more the absence of any joke qualities, in that there wasn't any joke-ness, that prompted my question...

29 pages of utter dross, tacit racism, religious stereotyping and outright mysogyny and *this* is the joke that you question?