Partick Panther Posted June 11, 2013 Report Share Posted June 11, 2013 Two Aussie mates, Ferret & Knackers were adrift in a Dingy. While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret comes across an old lamp. He rubbed it vigorously and sure enough out popped a Genie. This Genie however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish and not the standard three wishes. Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out, "Turn the entire Ocean into Beer" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash and immediately the ocean turned into Beer. The Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Knackers looked at Ferret with a look of disgust as he had used the only wish. After a long tension filled moment Knackers said " Nice one ******** ! now we're going to have to Piss in the Boat!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted June 12, 2013 Report Share Posted June 12, 2013 29 pages of utter dross, tacit racism, religious stereotyping and outright mysogyny and *this* is the joke that you question? Typical forum jokes thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted June 16, 2013 Report Share Posted June 16, 2013 I got home the other day to find my wife had bought a little Toyota without consulting me, I laid it on the line to her and said 'Either the car goes, or Aygo' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mighty Quinn Posted June 16, 2013 Report Share Posted June 16, 2013 (edited) what's small and pink and smells of ginger? fred aistaire's penissss Edited June 16, 2013 by The Mighty Quinn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partick Panther Posted June 20, 2013 Report Share Posted June 20, 2013 In the middle of an International Gynaecology Conference an English and Scots gynaecologist are discussing their recent cases. The Scots Gynaecologist " Only last week there wis a wumin who came to see me and her Clitoris, well it wis like a melon" English Gynaecologist " Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big my good man. She wouldn't have been able to walk if it was that size" Scots Gynaecologist " Aahhh you Engalish. there you again, always talkin' aboot the size----------------Ah wis talkin' aboot the Flavour" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted June 22, 2013 Report Share Posted June 22, 2013 I was in the garden shed the other day when I found some unhappy grass seed.................It was forlorn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted July 5, 2013 Report Share Posted July 5, 2013 This joke is worse than my previous one.... A fight broke out at a petrol station last night, 23 people were arrested....in Total 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SookeJag Posted July 5, 2013 Report Share Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight." Edited July 5, 2013 by SookeJag 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted July 5, 2013 Report Share Posted July 5, 2013 This joke is worse than my previous one.... l Mmmmm - not sure about that.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted July 6, 2013 Report Share Posted July 6, 2013 This joke is worse than my previous one.... A fight broke out at a petrol station last night, 23 people were arrested....in Total They were furious by how much they were being asked to Shell out to fill up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted July 7, 2013 Report Share Posted July 7, 2013 They were furious by how much they were being asked to Shell out to fill up. Some of these petrol stations have serious Elf and Safety issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted July 7, 2013 Report Share Posted July 7, 2013 This joke is worse than my previous one.... A fight broke out at a petrol station last night, 23 people were arrested....in Total . . . and faced trial in four courts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted July 15, 2013 Report Share Posted July 15, 2013 A friend told me the other day that he wanted to become an Italian island, I told him not to be Sicily. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted July 16, 2013 Report Share Posted July 16, 2013 A friend told me the other day that he wanted to become an Italian island, I told him not to be Sicily. If had wanted to become a British island, you could have told him not to be Scilly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partick Panther Posted July 16, 2013 Report Share Posted July 16, 2013 A teacher asked her class to use the word "Fascinate" in a sentence. Wee Sally put up her hand and said "My family went to my Grandads farm and we all saw his farm animals which was Fascinating. The teacher said "That was good Sally but I wanted you to use the word Fascinate and not Fascinating". Then Annie raised her hand and she said "My family went to see Cinderella on Ice and we were all Fascinated" The teacher said " That was also good but I still want a sentence with the word Fascinate" Then wee Johnny raised his hand and the teacher hesitated as he was a little Brat but she asked him for his effort and Johnny said " My auntie Jean has a sweater with Ten buttons on it but because her Tits are so big she can only Fasten Eight ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partick Panther Posted July 18, 2013 Report Share Posted July 18, 2013 A young girl goes home, walks into the living room and says to her Dad "Dad, cancel my allowance, throw my clothes out the window, take my TV, Stereo, Ipad and my jewellery and give them all to the charity shop. Sell my car, take back my house keys and throw me out of the house!!!! Well she didn't actually put it like that.....................what she said was................"Dad, this is my new boyfriend Mohammed!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Sunnylaw Jag Posted July 18, 2013 Report Share Posted July 18, 2013 Are they currently showing re-runs of The Comedians down under at the moment? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partick Panther Posted July 21, 2013 Report Share Posted July 21, 2013 For someone who has a photo of Brian Ralston as their Avatar, you must be up for a Laugh mate! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted July 22, 2013 Report Share Posted July 22, 2013 A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says "Five beers, please." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted July 22, 2013 Report Share Posted July 22, 2013 I bought some nuts the other day and put some Moroccan spices on them, they didn't taste any different, it just made them very Moorish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted August 4, 2013 Report Share Posted August 4, 2013 I'm getting really fed up with all these Rangers jokes - they've been going on Forfar too long. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted August 6, 2013 Report Share Posted August 6, 2013 Mel Smith's death has been reported on News At Ten, Channel 4 News, Channel 5 News and Sky News - but Not The 9 O'Clock News. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted August 6, 2013 Report Share Posted August 6, 2013 Brendan Rogers has expanded the list of banned phrases at Anfield. It now includes "qualifying for Europe" and "winning the Cup". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Jukebox Rebel Posted August 7, 2013 Report Share Posted August 7, 2013 Fat Sally danders into John Greigs (a Glaswegian bakery) ... points at the display... Fat Sally: "Is that a cake or a meringue?" John Greigs Assistant: "Naw, yer right, it's definitely a cake". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Jukebox Rebel Posted August 7, 2013 Report Share Posted August 7, 2013 Fat Sally danders into John Greigs the Glesga Bakers and reads out shopping list... Fat Sally: Er, Bridies 2, Current Buns 1 John Greigs Assistant: (Cannae answer coz he's on the ground PHSL) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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