thornwoodjag Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 ashley cole has been voted player of the year.he has also won a football award! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B.C.G. JAG Posted February 10, 2011 Report Share Posted February 10, 2011 Heard the new film starring Meryl Streep as Thatcher is going to be an 18 certificate. Apparently it's not suitable for miners. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornwoodjag Posted February 11, 2011 Report Share Posted February 11, 2011 a dog is truly a mans best friend.if you dont believe it,try this simple test.put your dog and wife in the boot of your car for an hour.when you open the boot,see who is the happiest to see you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted February 12, 2011 Report Share Posted February 12, 2011 I got the wife a nice new bag and belt for Valentine's... Â The Hoover is fine now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted February 12, 2011 Report Share Posted February 12, 2011 NSFW Â A conversation between a signaller and the driver of 2R43 Â 2R43 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bondi Jag Posted February 13, 2011 Report Share Posted February 13, 2011 Couldn't believe it!!!! 3.30 am, neighbour banging on my door! Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Luckily for him, I was still up, & playing my drums. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted February 13, 2011 Report Share Posted February 13, 2011 Paddy goes into Mick's fridge and asks "Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in here"? Mick replies "Just in case anybody wants a black coffee you thick f*cker"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted February 13, 2011 Report Share Posted February 13, 2011 The other night my new girlfriend told me that I had the biggest c*ck she'd ever seen. Â I said "You're pulling my leg." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted February 14, 2011 Report Share Posted February 14, 2011 I got some new aftershave yesterday that smells like bread crumbs ..... the birds love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Willjag Posted February 19, 2011 Members Report Share Posted February 19, 2011 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Polack, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, a Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a pub. Â Â Â Â Â The bouncer says, "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted February 21, 2011 Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 Just got overtaken by a bloke in an AA van. He was talking to himself and crying. I thought, that poor bugger's heading for a breakdown. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted February 21, 2011 Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 Q: Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat? Â A: Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornwoodjag Posted February 26, 2011 Report Share Posted February 26, 2011 try emptying a bag of maltesers on the floor of a weight watchers meeting for a life size exciting game of hungry hippos!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozjag Posted February 27, 2011 Report Share Posted February 27, 2011 "We don't serve your kind here!" said the barman. A time-traveller walks into a bar. Â (that's for all the nerds out there) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted February 27, 2011 Report Share Posted February 27, 2011 Wojciech Szczesny told journalists this evening that Arsene Wenger is planning to drop him after the second goal howler. He overheard the manager telling Pat Rice after the Carling Cup final that the polish was no longer required. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eighthoursbehind Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford Sierra car. Â Â He radios for backup. Â Â "What's the situation?" Â "A big fat darkie is dancing on a car roof." Â You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, Â "You have to use the politically correct terminology" Â "OK" he says, Â "Zulu ....Tango ....Sierra" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted March 2, 2011 Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 a letter from an Irish Mother to her son....... Â Dear Son, Â Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. Â You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. Â This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. Â Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Â Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle. Â Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial! Â Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire. Â I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling. Â I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. Â The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times. Â We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes. Â About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Â John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Â Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. Â There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Â Your loving Mum. Â P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornwoodjag Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 you wont be hearing from me for a while everybody.being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables. Â i gotta lilo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 you wont be hearing from me for a while everybody.being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables. Â i gotta lilo. Worst pun ever alert!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornwoodjag Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 still funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamiltonjag Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 you wont be hearing from me for a while everybody.being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables. Â i gotta lilo. Â :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAWB Posted March 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Theres a good chance this might get removed but here goes.    An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.  Walking down the street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window  'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.  'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs shit middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.  The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says  'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'  The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.  The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful "What was that called?'  'That song was called "Excuse me prime minister but I`ve just ejaculated in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'  'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".  'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears.  The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.  'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end."  ' I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'  'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".  'Look' says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.  ' 'F*ck it'says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.  'Hi' she says.  'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.  She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?  ' 'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,          I f*cking wrote it!!!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr.D Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 a Rangers fan and a Celtic fan wer driving and their cars collided. To their amazement neither is hurt but both cars are write offs. In celebration of their good fortune they agree to put their differences aside from that moment on and the Celtic fan manages to prise open his boot and extract a bottle of 12 year olg whisky. He hands it to the Rangers fan who exclaims "may the h*ns and Tims live together in peace and harmony" and then gulps down half the bottle. He goes to hand the bottle to the Celtic fan who replies "No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddieg Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 I told the missus I kept on getting a burning sensation in my a*se and I didn't know what it was. She said "ring sting". I said "what the f*ck makes you think he'll know?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grant Tierney's tackle Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 How can you spot a Japanese prostitute? She'll be in the fishnets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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