yoda-jag Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 My Japanese girlfriend just dumped me but it's ok plenty more in the sea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 How can you spot a Japanese prostitute? She'll be in the fishnets. Â And probably covered in crabs. :red_card: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
honved Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 What's the difference between Nectarines and Peaches? Â Nectarines don't rely on their dad's name to get a job on the telly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornwoodjag Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 There was a young man from Japan Who fell asleep in his van He woke in the nite With a terrible fright And he found he was now in Taiwan!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozjag Posted March 19, 2011 Report Share Posted March 19, 2011 A friend of mine opened a cafe in Japan recently. Initially business was a bit shaky but the customers are slowly drifting in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted March 28, 2011 Report Share Posted March 28, 2011 Wee Jimmy was sent out of his biology class today. The teacher asked him what obese people get. He replied "bullied". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAWB Posted March 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2011 It took a lot of balls for Hamiltonjag to go on the Channel 4 show Embarassing Bodies. Â Three actually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
honved Posted March 30, 2011 Report Share Posted March 30, 2011 Iain Gray Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamiltonjag Posted March 30, 2011 Report Share Posted March 30, 2011 It took a lot of balls for Hamiltonjag to go on the Channel 4 show Embarassing Bodies. Â Three actually. ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 Some nice analogies taken from high school essays: Â Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster. Â His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. Â She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. Â She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. Â Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. Â McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. Â Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. Â The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Â Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut. Â Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. Â The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. Â The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. Â He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. Â The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. Â He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted April 1, 2011 Report Share Posted April 1, 2011 A young lady cames home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an aetheist. Mum, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us we'll show him how wrong he is." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted April 2, 2011 Report Share Posted April 2, 2011 See they are making a movie about Eddie Stobarts life? I've seen the trailer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted April 2, 2011 Report Share Posted April 2, 2011 Paddy goes to see Mick at the farm and his wife Geraldine answers the door "he's out in the barn Paddy she says" Paddy opens the barn door and Mick is standing there ramming his co*k in and out of the diesel tank hole of the tractor bollock naked "Mick what f*ck are you doing he says" to which Mick replies "Geraldine and i havent been getting on recently so my sex therapist says to put the spice back into our sex life, do something sexy to attractor... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted April 2, 2011 Report Share Posted April 2, 2011 See they are making a movie about Eddie Stobarts life? I've seen the trailer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B.C.G. JAG Posted April 3, 2011 Report Share Posted April 3, 2011 Doctor: Well I've got your results and it doesn't look good. You've got Chlamydia, Gonorrhea and Onomatopoeia. Â Patient? What's Onomatopoeia? Â Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted April 3, 2011 Report Share Posted April 3, 2011 Doctor: Well I've got your results and it doesn't look good. You've got Chlamydia, Gonorrhea and Onomatopoeia. Â Patient? What's Onomatopoeia? Â Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like. That's so bad, it's good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulo Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 See they are making a movie about Eddie Stobarts life? I've seen the trailer  Shame. Apparently he was HGV positive.    Ouch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 See they are making a movie about Eddie Stobarts life? I've seen the trailer Ironic that his life was limited to 56...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted April 8, 2011 Report Share Posted April 8, 2011 The wife has been missing a week now. Â Police said to prepare for the worst. Â So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted April 10, 2011 Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 Ironic that his life was limited to 56...... For years he'd been telling his wife that her constant nagging would be the death of him. Â Maybe that'll Learner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted April 10, 2011 Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 For years he'd been telling his wife that her constant nagging would be the death of him. Â Maybe that'll Learner. Â An interesting little anecdote well articulated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted April 10, 2011 Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 I shall have no further truck with these sorts of comments.... (until tomorrow, at least) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornwoodjag Posted April 12, 2011 Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) A man's wife is in hospital and the doctor phones the husband and explains. Â Your wife is here and I'm afraid there has been a mix up with her test results so we don't know whether she's got Alzheimer's or HIV. The man replies.What the hell am I supposed to do now then.The doctor answers. I'm going to put her on the wrong bus,if she finds her way home don't shag her! Edited April 12, 2011 by thornwoodjag Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinny Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruitcake at his wedding. Prince Philip says he doesn't give a fukc and he's still going. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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