east lothian jag Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up on top of her, the landlord shouts, "oi mate you cant do that in here" the Rev replies "you dont understand, Im Pastor Flapps" "well" says the landlord " if your that far in you may as well finish!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 With the News of the World printing for the last time on Sunday, i began to wonder where i'd get my weekly installment of gossip, ranting and generally useless bullshit. Then i remembered, i have a wife !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Talking of the witch ..... Went dogging with the wife last night. Never again. By the time she had finished parking, everyone else had fecked off !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger in. Now she's made a formal complaint, and i'm banned from the gym. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spider jag Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 A friend of mine who is colour blind got into a fight last week. He was beaten grey and dark grey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 SEX AT 75!!! I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox telling me that i can have sex at 75!!! Im so happy cause i stay at 67, not far to walk home after!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Man staggers into the hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped round his head, Doctor asked "what happened to you?" man replies "well i was playing golf with the wife, when we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cows, i found one stuck in a f***y. i yelled to my wife, this looks like yours, i dont remember much after that!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Drank some tippex instead of my viagra last night and woke up this morning with a massive correction!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redmike Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 Fire in pet shop caused by shagging stick insects Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asylum Resident Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache! 'Perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Not a juse as such, but follow the steps posted(its doing its rounds on fb the now) Go to google maps Go to get directions From Japan to china Read instruction no 42 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven H Posted July 14, 2011 Report Share Posted July 14, 2011 Not a juse as such, but follow the steps posted(its doing its rounds on fb the now) Go to google maps Go to get directions From Japan to china Read instruction no 42 or Japan to California..instruction 29. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinny Posted July 14, 2011 Report Share Posted July 14, 2011 or Japan to California..instruction 29. One I've done before (searched for that is) is Seattle to Sydney. Seems it can work with USA instead of Seattle but not Australia instead of Sydney. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted July 14, 2011 Report Share Posted July 14, 2011 I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running. I swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly - so that the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 Man, slightly sleazy, but not overly so, to woman - " I was going to tell you a joke about my penis - but it's too long" Woman to man - "That's alright, I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina - but you'll never get it" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 Doctor - "I have some good news and bad news." Patient - "I'll hear the good news first." Doctor - "We have found a perfect match for your kidney transplant." Patient - "Brilliant! So what's the bad news?" Doctor - "The donor is Amy Winehouse." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggyman Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 A scientist has invented a bra that stops a womans breasts from jiggling about and also stops her nipples poking out when she is cold. His colleagues have battered his melt in Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gianlucatoni Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Amy Winehouse gets to the pearly gates of heaven and finds herself at the back of a massive queue. St Peter sees her and beckons her up to the front. 'Am I getting special treatment because I'm famous?' she asks. 'Naw' St Peter replies, 'you're skipping the queue cos we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator for this lot' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamiltonjag Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted July 30, 2011 Report Share Posted July 30, 2011 Amy Winehouse gets to the pearly gates of heaven and finds herself at the back of a massive queue. St Peter sees her and beckons her up to the front. 'Am I getting special treatment because I'm famous?' she asks. 'Naw' St Peter replies, 'you're skipping the queue cos we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator for this lot' I was thinking of posting a similar joke - Amy Winehouse is invited to meet the other members of the 27 club in the bar. Janis Joplin asks her for her first impression of heaven. Amy replied that it was like Camden station on the London Underground. Jim Morrison is surprised and asks why. Amy said that their were 80 foreign students ahead of her in the queue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gianlucatoni Posted July 30, 2011 Report Share Posted July 30, 2011 I was thinking of posting a similar joke - Amy Winehouse is invited to meet the other members of the 27 club in the bar. Janis Joplin asks her for her first impression of heaven. Amy replied that it was like Camden station on the London Underground. Jim Morrison is surprised and asks why. Amy said that their were 80 foreign students ahead of her in the queue. standby for a red card from HJ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamiltonjag Posted July 31, 2011 Report Share Posted July 31, 2011 standby for a red card from HJ! No..... that one was funny so... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted July 31, 2011 Report Share Posted July 31, 2011 (edited) 3 sisters Ann, F@nny and Jan, all have very big feet. Ann size 8, F@nny size 15, Jan size 9. Ann and Jan went on a double date. 1 of the boys said "Jesus, you both have very big feet!" Ann replied "you should see the size of our F@nny's, they're huge....." Edited July 31, 2011 by yoda-jag Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted July 31, 2011 Report Share Posted July 31, 2011 I've done my chores for the day ..... just filled the dishwasher. Or "made love" as she calls it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ACAB Posted August 2, 2011 Report Share Posted August 2, 2011 Rupert Murdoch has been deeply moved by the messages left on Amy Whitehouse's phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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