alx Posted April 3, 2011 Report Share Posted April 3, 2011 Anyone for a drinking tale thread? I'm just back from a Mother's Day appointment and heard a couple of crackers. Yarn #1. My mum says that someone in my Aunty Janet's work had a husband on a Christmas work do. The husband was told to behave himself. In the morning the living room was trashed and two goats were eating the couch (this was in the Balloch area). The husband's defence was 'I found Santas reindeers'. Yarn #2. Brother was on the lash with his mate in Breakers's bar in the grounds of Cameron House. They are drinking with Gaza, Jimmy five bellies and Jorge Albertz. My brother realises that he is a bit far gone and goes home. Later that night he gets an angry phone call from his mate's mum. The pal had been taken home by the Cameron House security people totally neckid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
honved Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 i know of a straight laced chap who was on his Xmas work night out and part of the evening entertainment was a stage hypnotist. The hypnotist got the guy on stage and under his influence got him to start to strip. He took off his tie, his shirt and his vest before the hypnotist stopped and "woke" him. He took his clothes back to his seat, but since he had had a few shandies he forgot to put his vest back on and left it behind at the hotel where the "do" was. By the early hours he was completely steamboats and got a taxi home. His missus woke when he was crashing around the bedroom and saw that he didn't have his vest on and chucked him into the spare room, assuming that he had been up to no good. The next morning, she had her bags packed and the kids in the car before he woke up and it took several phone calls to various people to convince his wife that he had not been unfaithful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graemei Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 A friend of mine attended fancy dress party at a Rugby club, I think he was dressed as a Gorilla, during the night he got absolutely smashed and decided to go down to the shower room and fell asleep. When he woke up everyone had left and the place was all locked up, alarms set. After many failed attempts to phone people he tried to escape, but due to the way the lock works and his drunkeness he couldn't get out... The silent alarm had gone off and the police turned up to find this man dressed as a Gorilla furiously trying to open the door... Fortunately they saw the funny side once he got out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 i know of a straight laced chap who was on his Xmas work night out and part of the evening entertainment was a stage hypnotist. The hypnotist got the guy on stage and under his influence got him to start to strip. He took off his tie, his shirt and his vest before the hypnotist stopped and "woke" him. He took his clothes back to his seat, but since he had had a few shandies he forgot to put his vest back on and left it behind at the hotel where the "do" was. By the early hours he was completely steamboats and got a taxi home. His missus woke when he was crashing around the bedroom and saw that he didn't have his vest on and chucked him into the spare room, assuming that he had been up to no good. The next morning, she had her bags packed and the kids in the car before he woke up and it took several phone calls to various people to convince his wife that he had not been unfaithful. Surely the winning yarn! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OorWull Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 Three Scottish, guys on a works trip to London for the week, had been very well behaved all week as instructed by their Area Manager, but on the last night they can’t resist and go out on the lash, by the end of the night they are all very well oiled and found themselves unable to get back into their hotel. They did have had a mate staying in one of the company’s flats; he’ll put us up for the night they think. They get to the flat and the occupant Andy doesn’t want anything to do with them reminding them guests are a big no-no, gross misconduct in fact with the Company, but they persuade him they are desperate and they end on the living room floor for the evening. It’s a muggy, hot summer night, so one guy, let’s call him Jim, just can’t sleep and gets up and goes to look out the window, he leans forward not realising the floor length window is wide open and falls out, luckily he doesn’t fall the two stories they are up but he lands on the roof of a shed some 15ft below and doesn’t feel too badly hurt, but his leg “does hurts a bit” (turned out to be a compound fracture, broke in 3 places). He starts to shout for help but not too loud, because he doesn’t want to wake the whole building, but the cries do start to increase in volume as no-one comes to his aid. Meanwhile back in the room on the floor one of the other guys, called Gary, thinks he can hear someone calling for help, but ignores it as a drunken dream, but after a couple of minutes he becomes more awake and is sure the cries are for real. He wakes up the other bloke we’ll call him Ray and they both stagger about looking for Jim eventually they look out the window and in the gloom can make out their literally fallen comrade some distance below them. Andy the flat owner comes in and is frantic, don’t call anyone, he’ll lose his job, he’ll have nowhere to stay etc, and so they decide to solve things by themselves - Scottish Style! Ray & Gary climb out the window and down a drainpipe and onto the shed roof with the injured Jim, now remember as Managers , they are all dressed in 3 piece suits and dress shoes, but decide to climb back up the drainpipe and back into the flat. Jim is helped to his feet but is complaining about how sore his leg has become, but Gary & Ray are having none of it and help this Moaning Minnie to climb up the drain pipe with his so called sore leg. Once all back in the flat Andy is still having kittens, Jim needs medical help but they can’t get it here, so Gary hatches a cunning plan, he goes back to the hotel first thing in the morning with Ray and packs all 3 of their cases and then goes back to the flat and picks up Jim in a taxi, Gary, Ray & Jim get dropped off at the underground and as Jim by now can’t walk at all Ray, who is 6ft 6” carries him piggy back down into the London Underground during rush hour, while Gary walks alongside with their cases, must have been quite a sight seeing these three Scottish guys, dressed in suits, one 6ft 6" carrying another on his back and the 3rd struggling along with three cases. They get to the bottom of one of the long escalators and wait for a lull in the people traffic, then Ray dumps Jim on the floor, while Gary runs to get a member of staff to help his injured friend who has fallen down the slippery London Underground escalator. The staff arranges a wheelchair ride to the airport and the airline arrange an ambulance to meet the plane on arrival back at Glasgow, so you would think a good result in the end? Well not really as the Area Manager was a bit suspicious of the ”slipped on the stairs story” and phones Ray and bluffs him by saying “It’s okay Ray, Jim & Gary have told me the full story, I just want to hear your side of things”, to which Ray spurts out the whole sordid tale – Ray you are the weakest link!! Result is Jim has to go into work for 8 weeks with a broken leg and sit at a paper shredder 8 hours a day, shredding old documents, meanwhile Ray & Gary got written warnings for their troubles. P.S. all the details are true but names may have been changed to protect the innocent! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 Ach, this is now far enough in the distant past to revive the memory. Absolutely true: after a heavy evening of drinking, in the last bar I made eye contact with a girl who'd clearly also been heavily drinking. We met up. Clearly a "6-pinter", and I was probably in the same category as far as she was concerned, but we started chatting. While we were talking I was so drunk that I could hardly focus on her, and I noticed that she seemed to have similar problems. But we got on well, and eventually went back to my place. During our goings on, she said that she wanted to take a closer look at "it". I gave her the go ahead, then watched in speechless astonishment as she pulled her right "eye" out (it was artifical!) and held it closer. My speech was already slurred due to the alcohol, but I think that was the only time I've ever been reduced to what must have sounded like a gibbering, inarticulate village idiot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
honved Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 Ach, this is now far enough in the distant past to revive the memory. Absolutely true: after a heavy evening of drinking, in the last bar I made eye contact with a girl who'd clearly also been heavily drinking. We met up. Clearly a "6-pinter", and I was probably in the same category as far as she was concerned, but we started chatting. While we were talking I was so drunk that I could hardly focus on her, and I noticed that she seemed to have similar problems. But we got on well, and eventually went back to my place. During our goings on, she said that she wanted to take a closer look at "it". I gave her the go ahead, then watched in speechless astonishment as she pulled her right "eye" out (it was artifical!) and held it closer. My speech was already slurred due to the alcohol, but I think that was the only time I've ever been reduced to what must have sounded like a gibbering, inarticulate village idiot. :lol: Naw that's the winner Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graemei Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Absolute belter! I have plenty more, just trying to piece the flash backs together though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hot Shot Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 England V Scotland, i'm guessing it was 1981 because we went to the Netherlands in 1982 and visited a dutch guy my dad met at the game. My dad,two uncles and several of their mates made a lads holiday out of the trip, while there they visited madame tussauds, in the chamber of horrors they stuck one of my uncles(scary at the best of times) on to an empty stand, complete tartan regalia , but also , with false blood shot eyes(which my dad still has) some stick on scars and a bit of fake blood here and there, a couple of others acted as museum guides and spun a yarn about the crazy scots fan that escaped from an asylum to be at some other game previously in history, "roll up roll up, see the crazy scot" type thing and a whole lot of other bullsh*t. Once a few people had gathered and were listening to said nonsense my uncle would jump from the stand making scary screaming noises. Such was the hilarity of all this that the people that had just been tricked waited around to see the next lot getting tricked, and so on and so on until such a crowd had gathered they done a runner before getting the jail, my dad said there must have been at least 50 people gathered and that every single one of them left thinking it was a themed display run by the waxworks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Stronach Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 England V Scotland, i'm guessing it was 1981 because we went to the Netherlands in 1982 and visited a dutch guy my dad met at the game. My dad,two uncles and several of their mates made a lads holiday out of the trip, while there they visited madame tussauds, in the chamber of horrors they stuck one of my uncles(scary at the best of times) on to an empty stand, complete tartan regalia , but also , with false blood shot eyes(which my dad still has) some stick on scars and a bit of fake blood here and there, a couple of others acted as museum guides and spun a yarn about the crazy scots fan that escaped from an asylum to be at some other game previously in history, "roll up roll up, see the crazy scot" type thing and a whole lot of other bullsh*t. Once a few people had gathered and were listening to said nonsense my uncle would jump from the stand making scary screaming noises. Such was the hilarity of all this that the people that had just been tricked waited around to see the next lot getting tricked, and so on and so on until such a crowd had gathered they done a runner before getting the jail, my dad said there must have been at least 50 people gathered and that every single one of them left thinking it was a themed display run by the waxworks. Fantastic! If you appreciate that kind of humour, type "Dundee Utd fan easyjet" into youtube. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 England V Scotland, i'm guessing it was 1981 because we went to the Netherlands in 1982 and visited a dutch guy my dad met at the game. My dad,two uncles and several of their mates made a lads holiday out of the trip, while there they visited madame tussauds, in the chamber of horrors they stuck one of my uncles(scary at the best of times) on to an empty stand, complete tartan regalia , but also , with false blood shot eyes(which my dad still has) some stick on scars and a bit of fake blood here and there, a couple of others acted as museum guides and spun a yarn about the crazy scots fan that escaped from an asylum to be at some other game previously in history, "roll up roll up, see the crazy scot" type thing and a whole lot of other bullsh*t. Once a few people had gathered and were listening to said nonsense my uncle would jump from the stand making scary screaming noises. Such was the hilarity of all this that the people that had just been tricked waited around to see the next lot getting tricked, and so on and so on until such a crowd had gathered they done a runner before getting the jail, my dad said there must have been at least 50 people gathered and that every single one of them left thinking it was a themed display run by the waxworks. Brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAWB Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 (edited) Ach, this is now far enough in the distant past to revive the memory. Absolutely true: after a heavy evening of drinking, in the last bar I made eye contact with a girl who'd clearly also been heavily drinking. We met up. Clearly a "6-pinter", and I was probably in the same category as far as she was concerned, but we started chatting. While we were talking I was so drunk that I could hardly focus on her, and I noticed that she seemed to have similar problems. But we got on well, and eventually went back to my place. During our goings on, she said that she wanted to take a closer look at "it". I gave her the go ahead, then watched in speechless astonishment as she pulled her right "eye" out (it was artifical!) and held it closer. My speech was already slurred due to the alcohol, but I think that was the only time I've ever been reduced to what must have sounded like a gibbering, inarticulate village idiot. Did you still sh@g her? Edited April 7, 2011 by KAWB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinny Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 Ach, this is now far enough in the distant past to revive the memory. Absolutely true: after a heavy evening of drinking, in the last bar I made eye contact with a girl who'd clearly also been heavily drinking. We met up. Clearly a "6-pinter", and I was probably in the same category as far as she was concerned, but we started chatting. While we were talking I was so drunk that I could hardly focus on her, and I noticed that she seemed to have similar problems. But we got on well, and eventually went back to my place. During our goings on, she said that she wanted to take a closer look at "it". I gave her the go ahead, then watched in speechless astonishment as she pulled her right "eye" out (it was artifical!) and held it closer. My speech was already slurred due to the alcohol, but I think that was the only time I've ever been reduced to what must have sounded like a gibbering, inarticulate village idiot. Reminds me of a story from a guy I play water polo with. On a night out in a club he was pretty pissed and getting on well with a girl, who had one of those emo-style hair cuts covering one side of her face. There was chat among the lads that she might only have one eye, however this guy had seen photos of her on facebook as they had similar friend circles, and there were some photos where 'she looked like she might have two eyes'. They went back to her flat and were getting on well enough. The story is he brushed her hair back to discover the lads were right, as soon as he did so he made a dash for the door, spewing all over the place, leaving him to walk home shoeless and shirtless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asylum Resident Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 Day 3 of a Voddy bender and im returning to the kitchen in my flat in the middle of the day only to find my flatmate pissing into the sink. I said to him "that's f**king disgusting !". He looked over, smiled and replied, "you think this is bad, some f**ker has left a tea bag in sink !". Probably one of the funniest moments I have ever had the pleasure to experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
honved Posted April 8, 2011 Report Share Posted April 8, 2011 I once heard of this guy who was due to meet some mates at Central Station and some other guys that he kinda half knew, to take some photos for a promotional thing that he was doing. All of a sudden this crowd of ranting nutters started shouting at him and his mates, in front of these folk that he hardly knew, but who he was trying to impress. So he ran away down the stairs into Union St and into a Subway sandwich shop accompanied by his mates, the folk he was trying to impress and the nutters. He got stuck at the back of the shop, hemmed in, while his mates tried to help him. He turned round and left the shop, with his mates telling him to "keep walking". He crossed Gordon St without really looking and him and his mates got into a taxi and drove away. I don't think the folk he was trying to impress were all that impressed. PS I don't think anyone was drunk at the time, but a good few folk had a laugh and a drink afterwards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allan Heron Posted April 8, 2011 Report Share Posted April 8, 2011 I once heard of this guy who was due to meet some mates at Central Station and some other guys that he kinda half knew, to take some photos for a promotional thing that he was doing. All of a sudden this crowd of ranting nutters started shouting at him and his mates, in front of these folk that he hardly knew, but who he was trying to impress. So he ran away down the stairs into Union St and into a Subway sandwich shop accompanied by his mates, the folk he was trying to impress and the nutters. He got stuck at the back of the shop, hemmed in, while his mates tried to help him. He turned round and left the shop, with his mates telling him to "keep walking". He crossed Gordon St without really looking and him and his mates got into a taxi and drove away. I don't think the folk he was trying to impress were all that impressed. PS I don't think anyone was drunk at the time, but a good few folk had a laugh and a drink afterwards. And the head ranting nutter`was a member of the SDP in days gone by Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted April 8, 2011 Report Share Posted April 8, 2011 I once heard of this guy who was due to meet some mates at Central Station and some other guys that he kinda half knew, to take some photos for a promotional thing that he was doing. All of a sudden this crowd of ranting nutters started shouting at him and his mates, in front of these folk that he hardly knew, but who he was trying to impress. So he ran away down the stairs into Union St and into a Subway sandwich shop accompanied by his mates, the folk he was trying to impress and the nutters. He got stuck at the back of the shop, hemmed in, while his mates tried to help him. He turned round and left the shop, with his mates telling him to "keep walking". He crossed Gordon St without really looking and him and his mates got into a taxi and drove away. I don't think the folk he was trying to impress were all that impressed. PS I don't think anyone was drunk at the time, but a good few folk had a laugh and a drink afterwards. Aw c'mon. At least the stories above are all believable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norgethistle Posted April 8, 2011 Report Share Posted April 8, 2011 Back towards the end of the 90s when i used to go on 2 and 3 day benders at the weekend had been doing my usual sparkled saturday night in the sub-club having no sleep in 2 days and more booze in my system than i could even contemplate now. I sort of remember meeting some girl who at the time in my fueled mind must have seemed tidy (well anything with a pulse at that time of night was a bonus) my last recollection was gettin in a taxi with her and her mate. Woke up next afternoon in a strange bed in a strange house with this bird beside me who i had no idea what her name was or how the hell i got there (and didnt look that tidy then!!), but she knew my name so wasnt 100% awkquard, but i make my excuses need to leave, maw's cookin dinner or what ever i used to say why she makes me coffee, hastily gulp it down as i have the comedown from hell and paranoia is kickin in especially with the blackout of how i got into this flat... so ask her wheres the closest bus stop or train station "i think your better gettin the train" says she, gives me directions, about a 15 min walk she says, as i come out notice i'm in nurses quarters in some hospital but pay no attention to the name. So i start my walk keepin the head down "just want to get home". Station comes into view.... Its F***in Manchester oxford road train station, i have about 3.50 on me and my mobiles dead. Had to skip onto the train, sit on the bog on the train (well both of them needed to change at york), jumped the track at central. Still to this day no recollection who she was and how the f*ck i got there, but i stopped mixing absenth with nosebags Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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