Chicofan Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) Currently reading a book on the life of Keith Moon and to be honest there is a a good few laughs in it, but this one in particular had me chuckling away. Keith is in a hotel and has blown up his toilet in his room with some mini sticks of dynamite that he used to carry about with him.. he then proceeds to phone reception to enquire "Could you bring me up another room?" Class Anyone else care to share any? Edited September 2, 2011 by Chicofan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gianlucatoni Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 One of the lads on the toon army forum (good for the belta minge thread and the un-adminned banter) decided to chuck the toys out the pram in his forum resignation post. What made me chuckle was one of the Toon lads telling him: "don't forget your tampons on the way oot" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meister Jag Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) I was at the Sex Pistols Experience night on The Ferry on Friday and what a night it was, f****** superb - what a band, good front man and at risk of committing sacrilege, they were probably more musical than the real thing. Crowd was mental, band was mental; so just a great Glasgow Friday night out. Anyway and with regard to Mr Lydon's fondness for butter, it been suggested that he picked the wrong brand and that "Anchory in the UK" would have been so much better. I thank you! With apologies, I'm out of here and will get... Edited September 4, 2011 by Meister Jag Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Devil's Point Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 As part of my job I had to ask a guy if he had a criminal record. He replied, "Aye, Des O'Connors Greatest Hits" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Willjag Posted September 4, 2011 Members Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Favourite is still Gordon Strachan's reply to the question... "A quick word Gordon?" "Aye, velocity". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alx Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Steven Wright: "One night I dreamt that I was welsh. It was Christmas. My mum said 'Merry Christmas son there's the living room carpet. But you've got to keep it where it is. " and "I saw a man with wooden legs, and real feet", and "I had some powdered water.... didn't know what to add." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Chic Murray - It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted September 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Chic Murray - It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers. From the same great man.. A man was lying in the street..a fellow comes up and asks "did you fall?" naw pal i was trying te break a bar ae chocolate in ma back pocket Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meister Jag Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Chic Murray - It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers. ... and another from Chic: "The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder." Then there's the late great Bob Monkhouse: I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer. I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out? Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinny Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 From the same great man.. A man was lying in the street..a fellow comes up and asks "did you fall?" naw pal i was trying te break a bar ae chocolate in ma back pocket A Spanish wheelchair bound friend of mine once visiting another Spanish city, in the middle of the day (i.e. everyone was having their siestas so the streets were completely dead) he was gong along the street admiring all the great architecture, looking up at the buildings and not the ground he fell off the kerb and got sent flying off his wheelchair. He managed to land far enough from the wheelchair for it to look like it wasn't his and he was able-bodied. Fifteen minutes later the police come by, assuming he's a drunk they asking him what he's doing there, he replies "I was just admiring all the beautiful buildings and I fell over". Sorry, that story looks longer now that I've written it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fatha bacon Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 i always remember when i was playing for pollok v arthurlie in the local derby and i'm a centre half or a defensive midfielder and i used to do a fair bit of kicking to people, bit of a hatchet man. One of the arthurlie fans shouted at me "IF YOU WEREN'T ON THE PITCH, YOU'D BE ON THE TERRACING THROWING BOTTLES YOU FAT BALDY WEE NED!" That mad me laugh when i was walking over to take a shy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 "Velcro - what a rip off" - Tim Vine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Devil's Point Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Guy on the phone says "hi, is that the local library?" Receptionist says "that depends where you're calling from" Copyright, Chic Murray Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted September 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Canny mind where I heard this one! might even have been on here but anyway.. A recently divorced man is standing in a bar when in walks his ex wife and new boyfriend..the ex husband shouts over to the boyfriend "here whats it like sh@gging a 2nd hand f@nny?" The man shouts back "its great its just like new after the first 2 inches!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jagsfan58 Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 On the Chic Murray theme Chic goes into a pet shop and asks "Can I have two wasps please?", The shopkeeper says.. "we don't sell wasps" Chic replies,"well you have two in your window" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. - Groucho Marx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eighthoursbehind Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Partick Thistle 4 Celtic 1. supercaleygoballisticcelticareatrocious Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. - Groucho Marx ...and whilst in Groucho mode: "Sir, you've got the brain of a four year old. And I'll bet he was glad to see the back of it. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 Apparently not actually a Grouchy quote, but similar .... I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CUMBERNAULD JAG Posted September 28, 2011 Report Share Posted September 28, 2011 From Just a boys game, local ned "thats ma' burd" Frankie Miller who played the local hard man " serves ye right" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted October 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2011 Ian Brown on Bruce Springstein "I always thought he sounded as if he was taking a sh it" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAWB Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 Anything by Gordon Strachan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redandyellowallover Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 Anything by Gordon Strachan Remember him being interviewed once at the interviewer said something along the lines of "Where do you think the opposition were better than you today, Gordon?" Strachan points up the tunnel and says "That big green one out there" Also one of my uncle's mates was on holiday with his wife and kid and him and his boy contracted cryptosporidiosis from being in the pool (i think it was this anyway). On the flight home his wife was talking to him about it and said " I just can't understand how you and the wee man caught it and i didn't" he relied with "That's because you have to be human to catch it" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAWB Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?" Strachan: "Velocity" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jagsfan58 Posted November 2, 2011 Report Share Posted November 2, 2011 You're only Scottish by a bawhair - Jags fans at Gretna We're going to deep fry your pizza's - Jags fans at Livingston (When the Italian owned them) which were a bit better than your: You only sing when your fishing (Peterhead) and You're going home in a tractor (Ross County) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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