thomas Posted July 1, 2012 Report Share Posted July 1, 2012 Stolen from facebook...for those of us who have to put up with the 50 shades of grey crap By RICH RAYNER 50 SHADES OF CHAV More extracts from my new book 50 shades of Chav. "Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned for him to fill those lonely hours between Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women" 50 shades of Chav. "As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight." ... Another extract from my 2nd book 13 flavours of WKD. "It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time." More from raunchy Chav fest 13 flavours of WKD. "Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of am orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you" Last extracts from the final book of the trilogy, My Tan was 11 Shades of Orange. "As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same." Final extract from the book 12 Shades of my Fake Tan. "My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had ****** his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ****. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which was rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erection. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe the driver Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said. 'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'. 'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...' Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,' 'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded. Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke..' The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?' Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little *hit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.' The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh *hit, We're screwed!' Little Hodaiki said quietly, ‘Ally McCoist, 2012.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe the driver Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 Sky Sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D . They meant in D3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornwoodjag Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 WATP- We're Away To Peterhead Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redmike Posted July 24, 2012 Report Share Posted July 24, 2012 So, I'm sitting in the pub the other night, minding my own business. A young woman comes in, wearing a Rangers scarf. She gives me the eye for about half an hour, then eventually comes over with a pint and says 'Hi, do you fancy taking me home?'. I replied 'Sorry hen, we're no in the same league'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinny Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 So, I'm sitting in the pub the other night, minding my own business. A young woman comes in, wearing a Rangers scarf. She gives me the eye for about half an hour, then eventually comes over with a pint and says 'Hi, do you fancy taking me home?'. I replied 'Sorry hen, we're no in the same league'. I'm sure that should be, "I'm out of your league." but it's still crap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted August 5, 2012 Report Share Posted August 5, 2012 Mo Farah said if he won Gold he would run round the Olympic Stadium wearing a gold sash that would later be auctioned off for charity , it will be known as The Sash Mo Farah wore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe the driver Posted August 6, 2012 Report Share Posted August 6, 2012 The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe the driver Posted August 6, 2012 Report Share Posted August 6, 2012 It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London . A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they Haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and Walks to the gate. " McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over His shoulder. " Waddington-Smith , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks. The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks It under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 I don't have much luck with women, but I think the latest one I've met is on the same wavelength as me. When I told her at length about my favourite hobby, gardening, she seemed interested. She told me to grow a pear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 I got chatting to a girl in a club, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked. "Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends." "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please." A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" I said, "My wife found out." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 What do you call a lifelong rankjers fan? An ejaculation Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted August 12, 2012 Report Share Posted August 12, 2012 I bought my son a new car for his 17th birthday. "Now who's a tight basturt?" I smiled. "You", he replied, tossing it into the corner of his bedroom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuggie Posted August 12, 2012 Report Share Posted August 12, 2012 Any new Golf oriented jokes out there - besides myself on the first Tee that is? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morfin Posted September 21, 2012 Report Share Posted September 21, 2012 Roger Federer was asked what he liked about being Swiss. He replied: "The flag is a big plus" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Leitch Loyal Posted September 23, 2012 Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 Any new Golf oriented jokes out there - besides myself on the first Tee that is? Two holidaying Japanese gentlemen meet at St Andrews and decide to play a round of golf. As the pair were walking down the first fairway one asks the other: "Where do you live in Japan?" "Tokyo." "How strange - I live in Tokyo too." They both play their second shots and again one asks the other: "What do you do for work in Tokyo?" "I work in the sewerage department." "How strange - I work in the sewerage department too but we have never met." "Oh. We must be two nips who passed in the shite." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted September 23, 2012 Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 Well done, sir, that made me chortle..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted September 25, 2012 Report Share Posted September 25, 2012 A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?” Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr.D Posted October 4, 2012 Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 What have Arthur Scargill, Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy saville in common? They have all shafted Miners/minors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe the driver Posted October 4, 2012 Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Saville interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them in the 1970s. The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted October 4, 2012 Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Saville interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them in the 1970s. The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted October 15, 2012 Report Share Posted October 15, 2012 Felix Baumgartner's freefall has broken the previous world record, overtaking Rangers' descent to the fourth tier of Scottish football. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAWB Posted October 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2012 Apparently a group of dyslexic parents kicked the sh@te out of Jimmy Somerville at the weekend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted October 15, 2012 Report Share Posted October 15, 2012 Police are currently investigating claims that Jimmy Savile asked a young dyslexic girl to massage his spine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 When asked about his views on the paedophile ring at the BBC, the Pope is reported to have said, "It is not the Vatican's policy to comment on the activities of a rival organisation." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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